


Hanahaki Disease Drabbles

by kwin_saphiee



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Angst, But there's many of them (ithink), Death, Fictional Disease, I'll add the characters as I go, M/M, One Shot, One-Shots, Pining, Sorry I love to see them suffer, hanahaki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-06-16 03:40:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15428253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kwin_saphiee/pseuds/kwin_saphiee
Summary: The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs of flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.





	1. A story of how a man died from unrequited love

**Author's Note:**

> SO I WAS FASCINATED WITH THE HANAHAKI DISEASE THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO MAKE DRABBLES OF HANAHAKI DISEASE. AND SURPRISE!! EVERY CHAPTER (maybe) SOMEONE WOULD DIE. 
> 
> Also this is my first hanahaki fanfic (obviously) i know this is not as good as the others but please bear with me. My vocabulary is limited as you can see, bec english is not my first language. Comments and kudos are very much appreciated.

Qin Fen loves it when many people die because of him. It makes him feel special. He loves to see people feel something clogging up their throats and throwing out those beautiful flowers. Sometimes even with blood, making the flowers more pleasing to the eyes—  the petals of daffodil flower stained with blood that reminds them of how he does not love them back.

But not anymore.

Ever since he started throwing up those flowers he deemed beautiful. He cursed fate. Curses fate for this cursed disease. Curses fate because of one-sided love –why can’t two people just love each other so that this disease would cease to exist?—or so Qin Fen says. He curses fate because the thing he loves seeing and was afraid of happening to him happened to him. –Karma is a bitch- is what his dearest friend Han Mubo told him.

Speaking of Han Mubo, that damned guy, he’s the reason why he’s throwing up these flowers. At first, Qin Fen didn’t paid a heed to it because it was only a petal or so, also because he thought it would go away itself.. But he was naïve. This disease sticks until the very end and can only be removed through surgical means, dying, or when the one you love reciprocates your feelings. And he knows that the Han Mubo falling for him is impossible.

Qin Fen remembers asking the last person who died because of him why he just won’t get a surgery to remove it. Qin Fen still remembers his answer, it was deeply etched in his heart.

 _“Because you’re worth it…. You’re worth dying for. And I can’t imagine my life without you… I’d rather die without you.”_ The man whose name he did not even know said as he breathed his last, covered in blood stained daffodil petals. He felt pity for the guy. But that was all, he ever felt anything more than that.

And now that he’s experiencing the same, he also thinks the same.

He once again looked at the petals in the sink – petals that got more and more a time passes- that reminds him of the one-sided love he has with Han Mubo. Qin Fen felt the world spinning, and with red eyes weary from crying and shivering hands, he wiped out the flowers with frustration, drop of tears falling one by one, followed by agonizing sobs. His heart broke at the sight of himself acting like this.

Hell, Han Mubo was right, --karma is a bitch—and it will get back at you worse than the others.

After a while of crying, sobbing and throwing up, he calmed down with great difficulty and breather deeply. He then flashed himself a smile in the mirror. Sweet. Still dashing as ever. Looks like nothing happened at all. Nice. This is what the normal Qin Fen looks like.

Oh Bullshit.

But he still went out the comfort room and greeted others with a smile.

Good, at this rate no one will notice his pain. Just keep smiling Qin Fen. He just needs to avoid seeing Han Mubo and all would be alright.

However, as if the cursed fate was playing with him, he saw Han Mubo walking towards him holding the cello Qin Fen likes to hear him play, with a smile that makes his heart beat ever so rapidly that it felt like it would come out of his chest. A smile that makes him think Han Mubo also likes him. But the suffocating feeling and the clogging of petals in his throat says otherwise.

“Hi!” Han Mubo greeted as he puts his arm on Qin Fen’s shoulder. Qin Fen greeted him only with a forced smile because he was afraid that the moment he opens his mouth, petals would come out.

“Do you still love people dying because of you?” Han Mubo asked which made Qin Fen stiff for a moment, and maybe Han Mubo took it as a yes so he continued.

“I’m telling you, things would get back at you if you don’t stop, y’know?” Han Mubo nagged, “Karma is a bitch, You’ll never know when you’ll experience the same.” He added. _But I already am experiencing it._ Qin Fen thought not daring to speak it out as the petals already reached his tongue—threatening to come out. He pushed it back by swallowing continuously. But the petals were too many to be pushed back without any water. As a result, he choked, a petal escaped his mouth and he immediately hid it inside his pocket.

“I heard it’s painful.” Han Mubo said, _It is._  Qin Fen thought,

“But I know a way to not experience it!” Qin Fen looked at Han Mubo skeptically. As if waiting for an answer.  

“I will not just fall in love, lest avoiding dying and surgery. Surgery cost a lot you know!” A pause. “Or.. maybe I will. But only with a person I’m sure that will love me back.” He added with a smile still hanging on his lips while Qin Fen already feels suffocated. He wonders if there’s that many petals that it made him tear a little bit.

“Hmm, if I were to pick one,” Qin Fen stopped on his track and listened to Han Mubo, suddenly feeling a bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, Han Mubo would pick him.

“Then that guy.” Han Mubo said, shattering Qin Fen’s hope.

 _*coughs*_ Qin Fen looked at his hands… _Fuck.._ He thought as he gripped on the petal tightly hoping that Han Mubo would not see it. Another cough. _Fuck._ Petals are already falling everywhere. He felt a tear drop from his eyes because of the petals that clogged his throat, suffocating him. At this moment, he already gained the attention of the other students, except.. except Han Mubo who’s still looking at the guy he dared not look at, because he was afraid that he’ll be mad and throw up flowers on the spot.

Snickers filled the hall, echoing in Qin Fen’s ear, “Karma.” “That’s what you gets for enjoying people die because of you,” another one said. “I pity him.” A girl chided. “Don’t, now he’ll feel the same way he enjoyed others feeling.” The boy answered as he scoffed. But Qin Fen was too tired to fight back.

He ran away from the scene not because of the snickers but because he was afraid Han Mubo would see him suffering from this—because of him.

So he ran, raw to where his feet would take him. He only stopped when he felt tired. He doesn’t know where he is. But the place looks so beautiful, it’s filled with plants and flowers, giving Qin Fen a refreshed feeling. It’s so beautiful that Qin Fen thought that if he were to die, he’d want to die here.

He leaned on the tree and slowly slid down because his legs gave up on him. He looked at the flowers that trailed him to where he went. _Beautiful._ Just like the place he’s in.

He vomited again. Vomited daffodil petals. He just wants to rest, but as if his mind was playing with him, his mind played the time he had with Han Mubo.

Like the way Han Mubo’s head beat in rhythm as he danced, the way he taps his feet when he sings, the way his finger move as he played the cello, the way his voice is full of emotions when he sings, the way his eyes turns into crescent whenever he smiled, and the way Han Mubo hugs him with those hands – hands that he always wanted to intertwine his own hands with-- whenever he’s happy. Making him cry frustrated tears and throw up countless petals caked up in blood.

_Is this how I’ll die? I didn’t think that i’ll die this way._

Lies.

He self-deprecatingly smiled. Actually, he knows that he’ll die this way, he knows from the moment he refused to get a surgery even though the doctor asked multiple times. He was bond to die this way—and no other way,

 

“Is someone here?” A voice asked. The boy looked around and saw the “Naïve beauty” who caused the death of girls and guys in the campus. The boy immediately went towards Qin Fen.

“Ge?” Are you okay!?’ The boy asked in a worrying tone at the weak Qin Fen. Qin Fen’s eyes were closed, his body was shivering, he was covered in flowers and blood.

“Ge? Come, I’ll take you to the hospital!” The boy cried out and tried to stand Qin Fen up, but Qin Fen did not even budge.

“Ge, you’ll die!” They boy yelled, but Qin Fen only smiled in return. _Die huh?_ Maybe dying would be okay, since he’ll never feel this suffocating feeling again. Qin Fen finally opened his eyes which were red. As if he just finished crying.

“What’s your name?” Qin Fen asked weakly at the boy, --tears fell from his eyes again, he can’t take the pain anymore-- and albeit the boy was confused, he still answered.

“I’m Qin Zimo.” He replied, tears also falling from his eyes, feeling Qin Fen’s pain. Qin Fen chuckled a bit that only made him cough up petals.

“Why are you crying?” He asked, but the boy choked on his tears and didn’t manage to answer. Qin Fen’s image right now is too heartbreaking.

“We.. have the… same.. surname.” Qin Fen said, coughing up petals with every word he says.

“And…. I heard that people with the same surname suffers the same fate.” He said weakly and threw up another batch of petals. Qin Zimo stiffened at Qin Fen’s statement.

“Thought so.” He chuckled.

“Don’t talk, you’ll only harm yourself!” Qin Zimo practically begged Qin Fen. But Qin Fen only smiled.

“What’s his name?” Qin Fen asked, not paying any attention to what Qin Zimo said.

“….. Jing Peiyao.” The younger –after a long pause- said. Qin Fen nodded. He knows Jing Peiyao, he was that boy that seemed aloof at first  but was crazy as the others.

“He’s…. a good guy.” Qin Fen said in between his coughs. Qin Zimo seriously wondered if Qin Fen has a death wish, he’s already throwing up flowers so much but he’s still talking.

“Why won’t you take surgery?” Qin Zimo asked after he gained the confidence to, Qin Fen smiled— smiled a smile that seems so refreshed you wouldn’t even think he’s dying--  
This was the question he asked the guy who died because of him, and his mind took him back to that guy’s answer.

“Because he’s worth dying for.” He threw up countless of petals. “Because.. I can’t imagine my life without him.” Another cough, but this time, his body shivered, he felt numbness taking over him, and his face was already paling. “Because… I love him.” He said as he breathed his last.

 _Finally,_ he thought. He’ll die today.

Qin Zimo cried and screamed his name as soon as he felt Qin Fen stopped breathing, in a vain attempt to wake him up. But Qin Fen was still rigid stiff with a smile on his face as if saying that he doesn’t regret dying in this way that proves that the one he fell for doesn’t love him back. As if saying, he’s happy. Perhaps because the painful and suffocating feelings will no longer be felt again. Or perhaps because he felt relieved telling what he felt to someone. Who knows?

Qin Zimo cried and wailed, but he knows his crying would not wake Qin Fen alive. He doesn’t know why he’s feeling like this when he only met Qin Fen today.

\--

And, Qin Fen died.

 Qin Fen died covered with daffodil flowers he finds beautiful. He died in a place that is full of beautiful things that he loves. He died in the most fascinating way.

And most of all, he died without Han Mubo even knowing his feelings.

 

 

 

This is how a man with an unrequited love died.

 

And that man's name was Qin Fen.  


	2. A flower for me to keep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *took me long enough  
> *i did not expect for it to be this long  
> *did not proofread so typo and grammatical errors might be everywhere.  
> *pls bear with me :(  
> *kudos and comments are always appreciated!

"C-can I not get a surgery?" The boy asked hesitatedly.

Han Mubo looked at the boy for a moment and asked the patient the question he's been asking for the past 5 years.

" _Why?_ "

"You're already nearing the last stage." Han Mubo added.

There are 3 stages of Hanahaki disease. Then 1st stage is when you only cough up petals. The 2nd is when you cough up full flowers along with the petals, but sometimes you only cough up the full flowers and no petals at all. The 3rd stage is when you cough up full flowers with thorns or roots. And the thorns and roots scrape your throat making it a bloody mess. The flowers alongside with the thorns and roots will block your airway, suffocating you until you die. So the sooner one schedule for a surgery, the better. The consequences of the surgery would remove your feelings to love that same person or remove your feelings to love completely and on some rare cases, the victim would forget the person entirely.

The boy stiffened at Han Mubo's statement, the boy blushed for a bit before looking at Han Mubo straight in the eye.

"I don't want to forget him."

"I'd rather die than forget him." The boy said, which Han Mubo nodded to. For the past 5 years of asking this question, he also get the same answer.

_I don't want to forget him._

_I love him._

_I'll be an empty shell without him._

_He's worth it,_  
_This love is worth it._

And so many other things that Han Mubo doesn't quite get, one of the reasons is because he's never been in love before. Why die because of love? Is love really _that_ worth it that you'll choose it over your life? Throwing up petals first, flowers the second, flowers with roots and thorns that will make your throat bloody red, discomfort all over your body. Who'd want that? Han Mubo swears that if he ever gets contracted by this disease, he'll immediately get a surgery-- no hesitations.

Han Mubo closed his eyes and nodded, he can really never understand this. The patient bid goodbye smiling. See? The boy's even smiling! Do hanahaki patients really love to die that much?

 _Maybe, they just love the person too much._ His mind says otherwise. But Han Mubo just shook it off. He doesn't like the concept of this disease. People growing flowers in their rib cage and dying because of it -- just because of love, LOVE that will always be unrequited and the possibility of the person you love loving you back is almost to none. He sighed. Falling again into a daze, wondering why he was even appointed as a hanahaki doctor, when he couldn't even relate with the patient. Wondering why this disease even exist when its only goal is to kill people and make them mad, make them feel nothing like an empty shell afterwards (after surgery). And wondered why that this disease, as beautiful as it looked like, interesting as it sounds, in all honesty is an ugly reality where people is dumb enough to not treat themselves and let the disease develop until the last stage, killing them.

A knock pulled him back to reality, he looked at the door and saw Qin Fen. With a mask that covers his lips and glasses that barely covered his red puffy eyes.

"Let's eat?" Qin Fen said, leaning on the door, trying to sound cheerful. Han Mubo stood up shooting a suspicious glance at Qin Fen.

"Why are your eyes red, and what's with the mask?" Han Mubo said and put his arms on Qin Fen's shoulder like he always do. But Han Mubo felt something was wrong with Qin Fen, _did he just flinched?_ He looked at Qin Fen as if asking what's wrong, and he saw Qin Fen with a nervous look, before putting his hands on his pocket and grabbing the phone and showing it to Han Mubo.

"It vibrated. I thought I left it on my office that's why I flinched." Qin Fen explained, Han Mubo let out an 'oh' sound, and when Qin Fen thought they could finally eat, Han Mubo stopped, again.

"You still haven't answered my question." He stated and crossed his arms, like a child throwing a tantrum because his mother did not keep her promise of buying a new toy. Han Mubo heard Qin Fen chuckled and he rolled his eyes at that.

"I watched The Notebook, you know me, I have shallow tears. And i'm sick, I wouldn't want my patients to be infected, ok?" Qin Fen laughed.

"Again?" Han Mubo asked with one eyebrow raised, to which Qin Fen nodded and said 'sassy' to.

///////

"Today is very tiring as well," Jackson complained and put his chin on his hands.

"Indeed," Han Mubo nodded. Jackson is also a hanahaki doctor like him.

"There's so many patients; many people are also dying." Han Mubo added and sighed regrettably.

"I wonder why I was put in this area when I can't relate to the patients?" Han Mubo asked after a while. "I've never been in love before, and I don't want to. I don't want to experience hanahaki." Jackson and Qin Fen looked at him as if waiting for him to finish.

"But I sometimes wonder to what extent the pain gives the patient." Han Mubo mused and looked at the two as if expecting for an answer.

"I... I don't really know but it's much more painful that what you might think." Jackson answered, perhaps a bit too nervously that's why he picked up the tea to drink and averted his eyes from Han Mubo. Han Mubo eyed Jackson skeptically before looking at Qin Fen.

"Is that so... then we should just never fall in love?" He said and laughed but his two companion didn't laughed with him.

"How's your day treating the hanahaki patients Qin Fen?" Han Mubo questioned to change the topic and turned to look at the quiet Qin Fen by his side. Kind of wondering why he's unusually quiet when Qin Fen's originally crazy as him-- crazier than him even. Qin Fen flinched at Han Mubo's words and smiled awkwardly and looked at Han Mubo as if asking what his question was again. And Han Mubo repeated his words at that.

"Oh, not that much, the head put me on another area, i'm no longer in charge of hanahaki patients." Qin Fen replied as he bit on the bread.

"Eh? Since when? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Last month-- and I didn't told you?" Qin Fen tilted his head as if he was thinking, "I must've forgot. Hehe." Qin Fen added and munched on his bread continuously, almost choking him. Han Mubo's shocked -- Qin Fen never forget to tell him anything, especially when it comes to work, but it already happened so he should just eat it down and forget.

"Do you know why the head removed you?" He asked and it took a while for Qin Fen before he shook his head.

"I wish to exchange places with you-- I can't connect with my patients at all, this is very different from what I imagined."

"Yes, Bo-ge , you already told us that for the past 5 years." Jackson retorted and rolled his eyes.

"It's hard in my place Lao Han," Qin Fen responded and the two looked at him, one looking at him confused and one looking at him as if he knows what he meant. Han Mubo asked why and Qin Fen smiled a sad smile behind his mask.

"It's just-- hard. You'll never understand."

Jackson kept on tapping his finger on the table as he watched Han Mubo laughing and ruffling Qin Fen's hair, saying how mature the sentence Qin Fen said, while Qin Fen kept on gulping something on his throat, something that he knows all too well. He wanted to interrupt, really, but Qin Fen kept on glancing at him as if telling him- don't, I can handle this. So he could only sit on his chair feeling irritated on behalf of his friend.

The bell rang -- _Perfect--_ Jackson mused and dragged Qin Fen away from Han Mubo, leaving Han Mubo alone there dumbfounded.

Jackson dragged Qin Fen to his office, he forced him to sit on the swivel chair and also forced to remove the mask on Qin Fen's face. Jackson nearly went mad as petals and flowers fell down. **Bleeding hearts** flowers **,** it means **undying love**.

"You're dead, young man." Jackson said, exasperated. He ruffled his hair in anger.

"Why-- oh-- why did you fall in love with Han Mubo....? That man with no feelings at all? That man you know would never fall in love with you?" Jackson probed, one after another.

"You're lucky Han Mubo didn't fucking noticed these." He breathed and pointed at Qin Fen before pointing at the petals and flowers at the floor. Sure, Qin Fen is lucky that Han Mubo didn't notice but he can't help but wonder how, just **how** Han Mubo didn't notice these. Is he fucking blind? He breathed deeply, trying to calm himself down, and thankfully, it worked.

"Look Qin Fen, i'm your pal and I worry about you more than what you think." -a sharp breathe- " How and why did you fell in love with that man?" Jackson asked, staring at Qin Fen straight in the eye.

Qin Fen pressed his lips into a thin line. He gulped because he knows that there is no way Jackson's gonna stop if he doesn't tell him. So he also breathed deeply and opened his quivering lips to speak.

"It was just a small admiration at first when Han Mubo taught me things I didn't quite understand.. when Han Mubo patiently taught me things when most of the people who taught me gave up, saying i'm not cut out for being a doctor." He paused as he felt his lungs be filled with flowers -- again.

"B-but Han Mubo told me that I can do this. He gently ruffles my hair whenever I get things right." He stopped speaking to cough out a full bleeding hearts flower on his hand. "And he gently.. teach me again when I make mistakes." Another cough and another flower. "I didn't know that i'll fell for him this deep..."

"Stop. I'm sorry" Jackson interrupted and he hugged Qin Fen, because he can't take how Qin Fen's face is full of sadness when he thought of Han Mubo and he can't take how Qin Fen coughs up a flower every time Han Mubo crosses his mind.

Qin Fen clenched Jackson's white coat and hacked up flowers after another, blood and tears staining Jackson's coat. Sobs echoing in that room. Jackson felt his heart clenched at the sight of his friend like this, because he knows the feeling well.

Since he was also a former hanahaki patient. Good thing the surgery, although removed his ability to love that person again, it didn't remove his memories of the person he once loved; Mark Tuan.

The possibility of surgery removing the memories of the person you once loved along with the feelings to love the same person is rare; only 1 out of 10 people got that.

Jackson looked at the floor full of bleeding hearts flowers. And as he saw that some of them got thorns and roots, he immediately panicked.

Qin Fen is already at last stage of the disease.

/////////

_*before Qin Fen asked Han Mubo for lunch*_

Qin Fen looked at the petals, flowers and flowers with thorn in the toilet bowl before flushing it. He went out of the stall and splashed cold water on his face and gargled some mint mouthwash to remove the metal-ly smell on his mouth and to awaken himself up. He looked at his reflection on the mirror; wet face, red eyes, flushed cheeks and pale lips.

"Smile Qin Fen." He told himself and tried to smile a little but failed. So he used his trembling hands and put it on the two ends of his lips to lift it up to make the illusion of a smiling Qin Fen that he originally was.

He looks dumb doing that though. And pitiful. And pathetic.

Qin Fen got the disease 2 years ago. At first it was just a petal every other day, and it went on for 1 year. But the first half of the 2nd year, his condition got worse, the petals were no longer just petals but a full flower, the 2nd half of the 2nd year up to now became even worse, the flowers got few thorns on them, scraping his throat, he felt like dying.

But death never came. Maybe death thought that he didn't suffer enough so it never came.

Qin Fen threw up another batch of flowers in the sink. Silently thinking that he'll have to gargle mint again.

"Smile." He repeated in his mind, but his face was already numbing to the point it won't even obey what he wanted to do. He took a closer look of him in the mirror and pointed at his reflection.

"You have to smile Qin Fen." He told himself again for the 3rd time, but also failed _again_ for the 3rd time. So he just put on the mask he has on his pocket and wore his glasses to cover his red eyes -though the glasses really did not cover anything-.

He went out of the comfort room and walked towards Han Mubo's office, trying to ignore the suffocating pain from the flowers coming up his throat. However, as he neared the door of his office, the more painful it gets. He tried to breathe deeply to at least remove the pain but to no avail-- it's still there, and it became even worse as he remembered that the reason he has this disease is because he loves a man who doesn't love him back. That is a fact and he can't erase it.

He threw up a couple of flowers and cried a few tears before he knocked on the door.

He opened the door and he saw Han Mubo looking at his mask and the glasses, as if wondering why it's there.

" _Let's eat_?" He said in a forced cheerful voice that he prays to god sound normal.

" _Why are your eyes red, and what's with the mask?"_ Han Mubo asked as he stood up and went near him to put his hands on his shoulder as he always do. Qin Fen didn't get to answer because all seemed to happen to fast --Han Mubo's question, him walking his way towards Qin Fen and him putting his arms on his shoulder-- and goddamit, he felt his body flinched!

And he's pretty sure Han Mubo noticed him, his heart quickened its pace; he immediately thought of an excuse and luckily, he managed to think of one before Han Mubo gets suspicious.

He answered that it's because of his phone and thank goodness Han Mubo believed it, but just as his heart calmed down, Han Mubo spoke yet again.

" _You still haven't answered my question,"_ Han Mubo said and crossed his arms, Qin Fen felt a tug at the end of his lips, finally, he smiled a true smile.

 **_Yo_ ** **_ur happiness is also the source of your pain._ **

He suddenly remembered that phrase and he can't help but think that it's true; since Han Mubo is his happiness yet at the same time, his source of pain.

Qin Fen looked at Han Mubo in a daze, crossing his arms like a little child-- damn it, this is why he can't help but fall in love with this grown ass man.

 _"I watched The Notebook, you know me, I have shallow tears. And i'm sick, I wouldn't want my patients to be infected, ok?"_ Qin Fen chuckled and swallowed down the petals he felt springing up his throat.

 _"Again?"_ Qin Fen nodded at his question, _how sassy,_ he mused.

They went to the cafeteria together with Jackson. He can hear them talking but the words they say enter his right ear and exit on his left ear. Because he was too pre-occupied thinking on what to do with his remaining time. To spend more time with Han Mubo even though it will shorten his lifetime much more sooner than expected or stay away from Han Mubo? Spending more time with Han Mubo would make him fall harder thus the disease would worsen, staying away from Han Mubo would pain his heart.

Either way though, it will torment him.

He only got pulled out from his haze when he saw on his peripheral version that Han Mubo was looking at him. He flinched and looked at Han Mubo as if asking what his question was. Han Mubo then repeated his question.

" _Oh, not that much, the head put me on another area, i'm no longer in charge of hanahaki patients_." Qin Fen said as he bit on his bread to push down the flowers he feel rushing up his throat, he winced as the pain of the thorn hit him. And winced as his heart started hammering loudly.

_For goodness sake, can Han Mubo stop looking at me like that?_

Han Mubo asked why he didn't told him. He tilted his head as if he was thinking-- although he was only pretending to think. He lied to Han Mubo, he didn't really forget, he intentionally didn't tell him. Qin Fen bit on his bread for he felt the flowers coming up again. He really shouldn't talk much. It only hurts him.

 _"Do you know why the head removed you?"_ Qin Fen paused biting on his bread. Damn, he should've had known that Han Mubo would ask that.

 _"I wish to exchange places with you-- I can't connect with my patients at all, this is very different from what I imagined."_ Han Mubo added and Jackson replied saying that Han Mubo told him that for the past years while rolling his eyes. Qin Fen gulped and prayed that the flowers wouldn't escape his mouth-- " _It's hard in my place Lao Han."_ Qin Fen replied and smiled a sad smile behind his mask that he was pretty sure Han Mubo did not see.

The reason the head placed him in another area is because he got the same disease. The head was afraid that his disease would only worsen if he hears the story of his patient and he would relate which would shorten his lifetime. Han Mubo was placed on the hanahaki patients because he wouldn't relate, because he still hasn't experienced it; Jackson was also placed on the hanahaki patient not because he did not fall in love, but because he already experienced the disease and he went under the surgery; he will know the feelings of the patients and can give advice accordingly to their situation and the head would not need to worry about his condition.

He looked at his two companion and he smiled a bit as Jackson looked at him knowingly and Han Mubo looking at him perplexed.

 _"It's just-- hard. You'll never understand_." He repeated and munched at his bread continuously, and damn did he almost choked.

He was caught off guard when Han Mubo suddenly ruffled his hair-- _fuck_ \-- he gulped the bread and coughed up a full bleeding flower, and only God knows how thankful he was when Han Mubo did not notice him coughing and hacking up flowers for Han Mubo was too preoccupied ruffling his hair and laughing. He almost applauded himself for concealing it well.

Qin Fen felt Jackson looking at him seemingly wanting to interrupt, but Qin Fen sent Jackson a message through his eyes saying to not do so and let Han Mubo be --partly because he doesn't want Han Mubo to get suspicious and partly because he still want to savor this moment until it last.

The bell rang and he saw Jackson smiled, and boy did he suddenly get a bad feeling that Jackson would take him away. And Jackson did. They left Han Mubo on their table-- dumbfounded.

They entered Jackson's office and he threw flowers again, with the mask holding it in. Jackson forced to take away Qin Fen's mask and the flowers fell on the floor.

" _You're dead, young man."_ Jackson said and he added a few words and questioned him, making him shed tears. He never really likes it when Jackson talks regarding his disease-- because Jackson's words always warms his heart YET leaves scars on his heart that worsens his condition.

Qin Fen answered Jackson despite the pain on his throat. Despite the tears flowing continuously on his eyes. Despite the blood he tastes on his mouth, and despite the consecutive coughs, and petals, and flowers escaping from it.

" _Stop. I'm sorry."_ Jackson consoled and hugged him, he clenched Jackson's white coat and cried, cried like there was no tomorrow, cried like his last day was today, cried like there was no hope at all. He feels horrible-- he wants to die now. But the thought of Han Mubo's face and his gentle smile makes him thinks otherwise, _I don't want to die,_ he thinks, though his condition also makes him think otherwise.

He felt Jackson flinched and heard his heart beat loudly- as if Jackson was in a state of panicked attack, he looked up only to see Jackson looking down at the flowers he threw up, so he also looked down. The sight of the flowers made him smile self-mockingly.

_So I'm already at the last stage huh._

"My only wish...." Qin Fen started and got the attention of Jackson.

"Is to not forget this l..love I have for Mubo......" Qin Fen paused and Jackson combed his hair affectionately, he felt tears drop on his head. He smiled, but this time, he smiled warmly.

"I don't want to forget him..."

"Don't let me forget him.... I don't want to not love him..." Qin Fen said in a perpetually tired voice, and damn-- Jackson's heart ached for Qin Fen.

"Why are you talking like it's your last words?" Jackson asked in a tone that he originally wanted to be in a joking manner but ended up cracking his voice. He felt Qin Fen smile through his tears.

"Just promise.." he groaned, his hands were trembling, Jackson could feel it even with the clothes in between him and Qin Fen's hand.

"I... I.. promise..." Jackson sobbed as he couldn't restrain it anymore. Qin Fen looked at him and hushed him, told him to not cry, but only making him cry even harder.

Jackson also hushed Qin Fen but Qin Fen did not stop crying.

One cried and threw up flowers while one cried as his heart shattered for the other.

////////

"Qin Fen?" Han Mubo knocked on Qin Fen's office for who knows how many times but Qin Fen still wasn't opening it. It's been a week since the day Jackson took Qin Fen away from him, and Jackson stopped him in every way of meeting with Qin Fen.

Damn that man, what did he even do? Why is Jackson refraining him from seeing Qin Fen? He only got this far to Qin Fen because Jackson was away. But Qin Fen wasn't even opening the door!

Oh, how he missed Qin Fen.

Han Mubo pouted and was about to go away but didn't get to because he heard a furious coughing sound from the room. He immediately knocked and turned the knob.

"Qin Fen!? Are you okay!?" Han Mubo shouted and banged on the door, oblivious to the strange looks the people were giving him. He shouted once again his name and banged, but seeing that Qin Fen wasn't answering him after all that, he darted to the staff room to get the key.

Inside the room, Qin Fen hastily picked up the flowers with his numb and shivering hands; even if he keeps on coughing countless of those, even though the flowers and petals keep slipping on his hands, even though the thorns pierces his flesh, and even though the roots attached to the flowers scares him-- he still kept on picking them up.

He felt his eyes blurred with tears, his body numbing and his head ached tremendously, making him curse inwardly.

Qin Fen smiled self- deprecatingly, "I'm.... afraid, that today.. is my.... last day." He uttered in a faint voice that even he can't hear because of the buzzing in his ears.

He felt the door opening and damn, he knows that Han Mubo was the one who opened it. And knowing that Han Mubo can see him pitifully doing this does not help his worsening condition at all.

"Qin Fen!!" Han Mubo shouted and immediately darted towards Qin Fen. He felt his heart wince with pain as he saw Qin Fen picking up the bleeding heart flowers, his hand full of blood and his face lost color to the point that it seemed like every blood drained from his face.

Han Mubo held Qin Fen's body and tried to stop him from picking up the flowers, but Qin Fen keeps on stubbornly picking them up.

"Qin Fen stop, i'm begging you!" Han Mubo pleaded and intertwined his hands on Qin Fen's, he turned Qin Fen's body towards him but his head was still looking at the flowers, as if on a daze.

Qin Fen felt something wrapped around his hands, and he saw on the corner of his eyes that it was Han Mubo's. He wanted to take away his hand and tell Han Mubo to get out yet he can't even utter a single word, for he feels his throat soar from all the flowers, coughs and screams of pain that escaped his mouth earlier.

He wants to rest. That's all what he wants to do now. To close his eyes.. and maybe.. never wake up.

That's just what he wants. Is it really that hard to give?

Han Mubo stopped on his track as Qin Fen's almost breathless body slumped towards him.

"Fuck! Qin Fen wake up!" He shook Qin Fen over and over-- but it wasn't helping. In a state of panic attack, he carried Qin Fen on his arms like a delicate porcelain doll that would break from just a touch and rushed to the operation room.

He did not at all mind the gaze of the doctors and patients looking at him; what's important right now is saving a life-- saving Qin Fen's life.

Han Mubo laid Qin Fen on the bed and cut his clothes using the scissors messily because of his quivering hands. Qin Fen felt a cold thing touch his chest, and he almost had a heart attack after seeing Han Mubo cutting his clothes and the place he's in. He held Han Mubo's hand that has the scissor weakly, Qin Fen looked at Han Mubo faintly and mouthed the word:

" _Stop."_

Han Mubo pressed his lips into a thin line and bit the inside of his cheeks. As much as he wanted to respect Qin Fen's decision, he can't-- he won't.

Because he can't lose him. And he won't let himself lose him.

"I won't." Han Mubo said resolutely, staring straight in Qin Fen's eyes. Nonetheless, Qin Fen only shook his head, as tears stream down his eyes, blood flowing out his lips and mouthing the words, "no" and 'stop' constantly because he can't find his voice.

Han Mubo gulped, "Why?"

"Which fucker did this to you?"

"Why would you kill yourself because of a person who does not love you?"

"Why would you give up your entire life because of that person?"

"Why?.... why?..." Han Mubo asked without a break, despite knowing that Qin Fen can't answer him; Han Mubo's veins popped out furiously on behalf of Qin Fen. Qin Fen only looked at Han Mubo, crying, for he doesn't know what to say.

"And who?" Qin Fen stared at Han Mubo, and Han Mubo stared back at him, in Han Mubo's beautiful eyes were tears, and he's trying hard to hold them back.

"Who... just who... wouldn't love you?" Han Mubo lamented in a small voice that cracked; and the tears he tired to hold back dropped from his eyes one by one.

He doesn't get it. Who wouldn't love a man like Qin Fen? _I mean, Qin Fen is a package,_ he got it all. The looks, the attitude, the humbleness. The way Qin Fen's eyes sparkle whenever he do things he likes, the way Qin Fen smile that shines his world...

.....and the way Qin Fen looks at him....

Oh...

....OH!

Han Mubo looked at Qin Fen knowingly, his eyes widening in shock.

"It's me right?" Han Mubo asked. But Qin Fen didn't answer.

And with the absence of his words. He took it as his answer.

Han Mubo laughed self-deprecatingly and almost maddeningly, Qin Fen wanted to stop him, he do, but the numbness and pain from seeing Han Mubo like this forbids him to do so.

"It's me! I'm that fucker!" Han Mubo yelled which echoed inside the room. Qin Fen could only cry with no voice, and Han Mubo was only pulled out from his crazy situation by Qin Fen's furious coughing and vomiting.

"Lay down Qin Fen." Han Mubo commanded as he puts on the gloves and readied the anesthesia. Qin Fen kept on shaking his head but Han Mubo only held his hands tightly -as if reassuring him- and kissed his forehead.

"Qin Fen... please.. I can't lose you." He said through tears and determination and put the mask over Qin Fen's mouth and nose causing Qin Fen to slowly drip into his dreamland.

*  
Jackson ran towards the operation room, still on his operating gown, praying that Han Mubo would not make any foolish decisions.  
He rushed immediately right after he finished operating on a hanahaki patient- he's supposed to be still there but the news of Han Mubo carrying Qin Fen to the surgery room made him unable to stay there any longer.

He opened the door to the operation room, only to see Han Mubo with a dark cloud hanging over his head, readying himself to operate Qin Fen. He threw himself to Han Mubo, sweats still dripping from his face.

"Are you insane!?" Jackson yelled, however, Han Mubo only looked at him and pushed him away.

"Get out Jackson, i'm saving a life!" He yelled back. Jackson became infuriated by Han Mubo's words so he forcefully took the surgical scissors in Han Mubo's hands and threw it on the floor. Han Mubo glared at Jackson before going to where the scissors landed, but Jackson kicked it even farther away.

"You ain't doing that you motherfucker." Jackson bellowed, and pushed Han Mubo, making him fall on the ground and let out a groan,

"Jackson please, stop! I am saving a life!"

"Saving a life? With your trembling hands? Your shaking body?! Your chaotic mind!? More like killing him! You ain't gonna do any surgery with yourself being like that!"

"Then who's gonna take care of Qin Fen!? We can't let him die!" Han Mubo roared back exasperatedly. And Jackson groaned as he stomped his feet.

"Dude-- Mubo-ge, Qin Fen only wants to die in peace! He doesn't want to forget you-- oh- fuck!" Jackson inwardly slapped his mouth after saying that, what was he thinking? Qin Fen would kill him. Han Mubo narrowed his eyes dangerously-- and sighed on defeat.

"Jackson-- I.. I.. already know that.." -- a sharp breathe-- "it's me." Han Mubo confessed and Jackson looked at him with disbelief. So he already knows- then why is Han Mubo still insisting on having Qin Fen take the surgery?

"Dude, y-you're selfish..." Jackson hissed and turned his back on Han Mubo, because he was afraid that the moment he looks at him, he would lose his control.  
"You're fucking selfish.." he repeated in a dangerously sharp tone with a hint of sadness and disappointment in his voice.

"I didn't know you are like this-- fuck it Han Mubo! Why are you still insisting on having Qin Fen take this surgery!? That's fucking selfish!" He bellowed, his back still facing Han Mubo. And Han Mubo's brows furrowed at his words. Partly because Jackson always called him Mubo-ge and never just his name and partly because he's confused. Selfish? Why?

"Selfish? What's selfish about wanting to save my friends life!?" He roared back and grabbed Jackson's collar lifting him up. Jackson snapped at Han Mubo's words too; he pulled his own body back and pushed Han Mubo down to the floor-- damn it, who would had thought that the younger was stronger than him?

"Han Mubo--please. I'm close to punching you." He glowered and glared at the shocked face of Han Mubo.  
Jackson's never been this angry before, even when Han Mubo accidentally ruined Jackson's very important report that was due that day nor when Han Mubo forgot to inform him about the meeting which was also very important causing Jackson to lose his position.

"Han Mubo"-- a deep breathe-- "you don't understand." -- a glare-- "You don't fucking understand a thing at all!!" He shouted and grabbed Han Mubo's collar, shaking him. They're on the ground, fighting like little kids.

Jackson never felt this infuriated in his life, really. Who would have thought that the first one to make him feel this angry is Han Mubo, his bestfriend's loved one? He can't fathom why Qin Fen would fall in love with this kind of man, --well, he really also doesn't know how he fell in love with Mark, but that's another story-- selfish, arrogant, cold, and oh for goodness sake, the qualities of fuckboys are in him actually. He witnessed how many girls and guys died because of him, he witnessed how they cried because of him, he witnessed how they refuse to take the surgery because of him, how his heart ached for that. And now, he's gonna witness the same thing happen to Qin Fen-- how can his heart not be angry and miserable for Qin Fen's behalf?

"I don't care if you don't know how much i'm angry at you but I hope you know how much you are hurting Qin Fen!" He shouted again. At the 2nd stage of hanahaki disease, the pain is already horrendous, he can't imagine how much pain Qin Fen is going through right now that he's already at his last stage.

"I know--" he paused as he felt his guilt and frustration showing up on his voice, "Jackson stand up." He commanded with a little bit of a forcefulness in it which Jackson-- although he doesn't want to-- complied to. Han Mubo shook off the dirt on his clothes and rubbed his eyes for he felt tears threatening to fall.

"You've been on this field for 5 years Mubo-ge!" Han Mubo looked at Jackson, and took his words as a sign that Jackson already calmed down, since he's back to calling him "Mubo-ge".

"For 5 years, don't even fucking tell me you did not symphatize with any of your patients?"

"For 5 years, do you still not get why, why the hell in the world would they choose to die rather than get surgery?"

"Mubo-ge, i'm sure you know. You've been asking this question right? " _Why would you not get a surgery?"_ Recall their answers, its all the same right? It's because **they can't bear to lose the feelings they have for that person.** Qin Fen's the same, he can't bear to lose his feelings for you. And by doing this shit!" He pointed at Qin Fen lying on the bed with his eyes closed; if one would look at Qin Fen, they wouldn't even thought that his life is hanging by a piece of thread. " By doing this-- you are going against his will. You aren't going to make him happy. You are only doing this for yourself. That's how selfish you are."

Han Mubo bit his lower lip and looked at Jackson before looking at Qin Fen and walking towards his way. He brushed Qin Fen's hair away to get a clearer look at his face.

And, only then did he realize how truly beautiful Qin Fen is.

His beauty is beyond words.

Han Mubo faced Jackson with a clear and determined expression, as if he was confident; yet if one would look closely, his chest was heaving up and down, his eyes started to turn puffy due to crying, his lips quivering as if he wants to tell something, he kept gulping, clearly wanting to flush down his words.

After a moment of silence, he --finally-- opened his mouth to talk.

"Let's speak about this later Jackson. For now, I only want to save him." He said with a calm yet hoarse shivering voice.

"You--! You are avoiding the topic!" Jackson retorted,

"Jackson, shut up! I only want Qin Fen to live-- I-I can't lose him! Is that too much to ask?" Han Mubo did not wait for Jackson's reply and started to clean the tools needed in a slow pace with his numb and shaking hands; he curse inwardly time and time again, seconds ticked by yet he hasn't even finished sanitizing one tool.

"I guess that now you know the feelings of your patient." Jackson scoffed and pushed Han Mubo to the door despite Han Mubo's struggle.

"What are you gonna do?" Han Mubo asked,

"What do you think?" Jackson asked back and put on a new pair of gloves, mask and wore his surgical cap. He faced Han Mubo with one eyebrow raised, like asking what he's still doing here- and in that instant, it was as if the dark cloud hanging over Han Mubo's head was gone.

"Go." Jackson said and called over the other doctors silently waiting on the other side of the door.

=====

"Doctor Jackson, are you sure we are doing this?" The doctor beside him hesitantly asked.

"Guess." He coldly answered, and commanded the other surgeons to start, not waiting for the one who asked to reply.

Truth be told, half of his mind is shouting at him to not do this, it's shouting at him that he'll regret this, but the latter half of his mind is telling him to: yes, do this. For he doesn't know what in the world Han Mubk would do if he didn't.

And he also doesn't want to lose Qin Fen.

"There's a major consequence in doing this Doctor Jackson." The doctor interrupted again.

"Does Doctor Han Mubo knows?" He added, but seeing that Jackson is still not answering, he continued.

"I've heard of your conversation with Doctor Mubo earlier."

"....."

"Selfish. Huh. Don't you know that you're also selfish?" Jackson stopped what he was doing and glared coldly at the doctor. "You're not that different from Mubo. You two are doing this for your own good sake. You're not considering Qin Fen's feeling at all." He shrugged.

"You have some nerves telling Han Mubo off when you're also like that--"

"What do you know!" Jackson roared. He can't take any of this anymore, he just got out of an argument from Han Mubo and now another person is trying to pick a fight?

"Oh- I know,"

"I know so much more than you."

"Because I did the same-- and I just don't want the two of you to repeat my mistakes." Jackson squinted his eyes at the guy's words.

"YueYue, stop, I don't need your scoldings right now." Jackson said through gritted teeth yet YueYue just shrugged and continued to talk.

Yueyue revealed to Jackson what he did 2 years ago. He first told Jackson how he fucked up so bad- he himself operated on that man who loves him; specifically named, Bu Fan; his heart ached and his mind was filled with guilt with every flowers, roots and thorns removed on Bu Fan's rib cage. He still remembers how Bu Fan struggled and begged Yueyue -practically on his knees- to not operate him; it's a little bit funny because even if he said no, Bu Fan would comply with his wishes, because Bu Fan had, and always has obeyed him. So, begging was pointless specially because at that time, Yueyue already made up his mind on not letting Bu Fan die. He recalls how he slumped and cried himself to sleep on the hard and messy floor after the surgery ended. And how he woke up with Bu Fan nowhere on his sight.

Bu Fan hid from him, up to this day actually- and not even 5 days of him missing, he was already coughing up petals. And only then did he realize that he loved Bu Fan. But it was too late.

"Karma did me so bad-- I bet karma would to, to Han Mubo."

"Is that why you were gone for months?" Jackson asked, unknowingly got captivated by Yueyue's tragic love story.

"Uh-huh, I went to have a surgery, because as much as i want to deny the disease, it was futile, since only death awaits me." He states, and silence filled the air.

"I'm gonna ask you again, do you and Doctor Mubo knows? The consequences, I mean."

Jackson glanced at the door before sighing, "I know... But Mubo-ge? He probably doesn't."

"He's gonna be devastated." Yueyue said as he focused himself on Qin Fen.

"Yes.. very."

=====

Han Mubo felt like vomitting- perhaps because of the nervourness he is feeling right now.

"He's gonna be alright." He reminded himself for who knows how many times.

It's been 32 hours, a normal hanahaki patient won't even take a day. And he has been awake for the past 32 hours. He didn't eat, showered, slept nor changed his clothes, he was just waiting patiently in front of the surgery room. Afraid that the moment he went away, he would miss Qin Fen.

 _"It's me, right?"_ Memories from yesterday haunted him again and his head started aching tremendously and he feels something coming up his throat-- he's gonna vomit. Yet the moment he was supposed to go to the nearest restroom, Han Mubo heard the door open. So he swallowed it down with a water and darted to the room immediately. What vomiting? Qin Fen comes first.

"I-is he okay?" Han Mubo asked stuttering as he held Qin Fen's hand very tightly as if he was afraid that Qin Fen would leave him.

Jackson and Yueyue looked at each other. Jackson turned his back on them and went outside, leaving only a dumbfounded Han Mubo and Yueyue. Yueyue guessed that Jackson was afraid of hearing Qin Fen's condition again while Han Mubo guessed that Jackson was angry at him. With no hope on Jackson, Han Mubo could only look at Yueyue, in HMB's eyes were fear and hope.

"Qin Fen he--.. he's in a dire situation. The surgery took to long -almost double the time of a normal surgery- because he was already on his deathbed and last stage. Normally, we.." Yueyue looked at Han Mubo sharply, "we don't operate people on their deathbed because the consequences are unthinkable. Qin Fen's rib cage were full of petals, flowers, roots and thorns combined. See that bin?" Yueyue pointed at the bin on the corner of the room. Han Mubo looked at the bin twice the size of normal. His mouth gaped in shock; twice the size of normal yet also full that it barely contained the petals and such in it. 

"As you can see the volume of the flowers and such inside of him is so much more than the normal; at least by 5 folds, and i'm not even exaggerating." Yueyue stated as he inched closer to Qin Fen who was lying on the bed and Han Mubo whose still dumbfounded.

"And.." He paused, trying to gain the attention of Han Mubo.

"After 3 hours, if he still hasn't wake up-- he'd be dead." Yueyue declared, emphasizing every words with looks that could kill, yet Han Mubo was just staring at the floor, as if everything that Yueyue said was not sinking at all. 

"Perhaps, he'd be more happy if we let him die. At least he'd die knowing what love is, knowing the pain and beauty of of loving someone be it unrequited or not. And not as an empty shell who is void of any emotions- on love that is." He added, his tone softer than before; he closed his eyes as Bu Fan's image popped on his mind. Although, he doesn't feel any love for Bu Fan anymore, the feeling of guilt was still there. Yueyue glanced at Han Mubo for a moment before walking towards the door.

"The consequences of operating someone at his deathbed are dire. I hope you know that." Yueyue noted as he bid goodbye.

***

"5 minutes left until 3 hours are up." Yueyue voiced and removed his gaze away from the clock. They've put Qin Fen in the VIP room of the hospital and arranged everything for it to be suitable for Qin Fen. 

Han Mubo glanced at the clock and drank his water in one go. The uneasiness and pain coming from either his chest or guts is still there. Now he really wants to vomit. "I'm gonna excuse myself for a bit." And he went out the foor with a pale face and purple-like lips. The others didn't noticed but Yueyue noticed. He gulped. This scenario- he's seen this before, but with him as Han Mubo. 

\--

" _Time is ticking."_

_"Let's give him a bit more time, alright?"_

Qin Fen slightly opened his eyes and groaned as a blurry unfamiliar room greeted him. 

" _Look, he's opening his eyes!"_  Said the voice in a cheerful tone, but Qin Fen didn't heard what it said, all he heard was the cheerfulness of the owner's voice, for the buzzing on his ears was too loud, the sight he sees are all in blur. He feels hii throat dry, he feels something in his chest aches.

And he feels... _empty._

"Are you okay?" Jackson asked as he helped Qin Fen sit up with extreme carefulness.

"Ugh.. I guess?" Qin Fen replied and looked around the room, "Where am I?"   

"Well, you just got out of a very risky surgery. I was very worried you know! Especially Mubo-ge-- holy- that man, he caused a scene when you collapsed. He--" 

"Wait- slow down Jackson. Mubo-ge? Who?" 

***bang***

The three were shocked silly as the door closed with a loud bang. They looked at the newcomer-- Han Mubo-. Han Mubo looked at Qin Fen with shock and disbelief. His pale face from earlier became even more paler. It was unsightly. And Jackson's too. While Yueyue's face was also down, he was calm, for he expected this to happen. 

"M-mubo-ge-- he's that guy. You don't remember?" Jackson stuttered as he glanced at Han Mubo from time to time and looked at Qin Fen with eyes as if saying "You remember him-- you have to remember him." Yet Qin Fen only looked at Han Mubo, confusion written all over his face. 

"No. Am I supposed to remember him? Oh, and what surgery, did I had some illness or something?" 

Han Mubo felt his heart pounding at an abnormal speed, his breathe getting rough, and he felt his eyes tearing up. With no words, no warning, he sprinted to Qin Fen's side and shook him with all his might. 

"I-i'm Han Mubo. You r-remember me right? Come on, Qin Fen, this kinds of joke isn't even funny!" He lamented as his voice cracked. Tears dropping from his eyes one by one. Although Qin Fen doesn't know him, he pities the guy. 

"Han Mubo, you're gonna hurt him." Yueyue stopped, and thank goodness, Han Mubo did what Yueyue said. Han Mubo slowly let go of Qin Fen's arm; it was just Qin Fen's arm that he let go yet why did it seem like he can't hold Qin Fen again?

 "I told you that the consequences are dire. Now don't go start complaining and forcing yourself on Qin Fen! The poor boy has to rest!" Yueyue yelled as he wiped Han Mubo's tears away. 

"Then i'll take care of him." Han Mubo smiled, though it was very obvious it was forced. Yueyue raised his eyebrows on Han Mubo as if asking if he's sure or he'll be alright. 

"It's fine, I'll be alright, I can take care of him. Who knows maybe one day he'll remember me?" He tried to force out a laugh but failed, the tears Yueyue just wiped and Han Mubo tried so hard to hold in dropped again from his eyes. And not even a minute has gone, Han Mubo started sobbing. His sobs were so heartbreaking that it made Jackson gulpedand looked up-- obviously trying not to cry.  But Han Mubo's sobs were just too-- painful to hear. 

"Shh. Are you really sure you'll be fine?" 

"Yes, of course... I guess." Han Mubo said under his breathe, his voice though, is barely audible.

"Okay, i'm really really fine! Go!" He giggled and pushed the two of them away.

"Thank you," he told them, "and sorry." He said and smiled a sad smile before closing the door.

"Hi!" Han Mubo greeted and Qin Fen only smiled at him a bit.

"Sorry. But- I don't really know you." Qin Fen said and scratched his head awkwardly. Han Mubo was feeling down again -not that he wasn't in the first place-.

"Oh- that, it's okay." He replied and pulled on a chair to sit beside Qin Fen's bed.

"We can start all over again."

"I'm Han Mubo, 26, a hanahaki doctor just like you, been here for 5 years and we've been friends for 5 years too. You're Qin Fen the same age as me, birthday is on August 31, mine is December 28. I know a lot about you, and you know a lot about me. We never hide anything from each other." Qin fen only stared at Han Mubo as he talked.

"Oh."

"Why am I here again? Did I had some disease? And what? " He asked. But Han Mubo did not answered.

"Hanahaki?"

"....."

"Oh .. so that's what it was, no wonder I was feeling empty." Qin Fen said and fiddled with his finger. "I wonder what I was thinking back then?"

"Hm?"

"Well, i'm pretty sure the me back then would rather die than be an empty shell though." Qin Fen replied and an awkward silence filled the air. Han Mubo bit the insides of his cheek. He doesn't know what to answer.

"Are you angry?" Han Mubo summoned up his courage and asked. "That I told the others to operate on you, I mean."

"I'm not. Unless you're the one I was previously in love with.." He chuckled, but his chuckles slowly died with Han Mubo's silence. "Were you?" He asked, yet Han Mubo didn't answered and only bowed his head. "So it was you." Qin Fen gulped. "Thank you.. I guess? At least you let me feel the feeling of love once- even if it was unrequited." He laughed self-deprecatingly that  was painful for Han Mubo's ears. "Albeit, I can't remember now. And thank you for saving me..? " He said with uncertainty. And Han Mubo's face lit up by his words, however, it was replaced with a miserable one not even a second after because of Qin Fen's next words. 

"But as I said earlier, I'd rather... die." Qin Fen emphasized. 

"Yes, I know.. sorry.. I just.. can't bear to lose you--" 

"But didn't you think that I couldn't bear to lose you-- my feelings for you either?" He condemned with a rare hint of anger in his face that the previous Qin Fen didn't showed him. Qin Fen saw Han Mubo slightly open his mouth but he beat him to it. "Don't. It's all in the past. Better not to talk about it." He stopped and slowly lied down on his bead to not hit his wound. Han Mubo tried to help him but he refused his help.

"I'm sorry, really really sorry-- just-- let me help you- atleast until you recover. After that.." He paused and walked to the door. "I'll never show myself in front of you. Again." He cried out and closed the door. 

====

It's been 3 weeks since Qin Fen lost his memory, Qin Fen accepted Han mubo's help-- a bit hesitantly though- and thank goodness, he's slowly recovering. Han Mubo would change Qin Fen's bandage every now and then, he would help hsi friend change his clothes, eat and help him with his daily needs. He even learned how to cook just for Qin Fen.

The first week of being with Qin Fen, he was still cold and would only answer with a few words or nods. At the 2nd week, he told stories of their past --since Qin Fen completely forgot anything relating to him-- he told him the whole story, he told him of their foolishness together, he told him of their days, how they spent their days together, how they failed to cure a man with a hanahaki disease that made them feel guilty for about a week. He told Qin Fen how he would reach out to him whenever he had problems, whenever he was feeling down. And Qin Fen did not even need to ask why he fell in love the the man who was always with him. 

 Everything with Qin Fen is good-- but Han Mubo? Not good. 

In that 3 weeks of helping him, he was feeling heavy-headed and something seems to be weighing down his chest- literally. He could only cough it out, he thought he caught some weird disease aka hanahaki but no, he was only coughing and not hacking up some petals nor flowers. One day though, Jackson caught Han Mubo furiously coughing and he became very worried for his friend's condition. 

"I think you should stop. I'm afraid you'll fall for him." Jackson warned, but Han Mubo only shrugged it off with a laugh. "There's no petals see, I'm just sick with flu. And that wouldn't happen, if it did tho-- I hereby promise with all my life that i'd get surgery right after the symptoms appear. " He chuckled, "But then again, the possibility of that happening to me is zero." He added with a smug smile. Yet Jackson just stared at him as if he was looking at a clown. " I'm not sure about that, you getting surgery right after, I mean. I'm pretty sure you'll hesitate to have a surgery once you've experienced it, cause only then will you experience the pain and joy of loving someone.." The younger replied. "that doesn't love you back." Jackson added. 

And Han Mubo could only gulp in response.

====

"Are you sure that you would retire after this?" The head asked as he put the retirement letter in front of Han Mubo. Truth be told, Han Mubo didn't plan on retiring, he only planned on moving departments. But something needed to be done. Immediately. 

"Yes of course, there's only a week before Qin Fen recovers anyway, and i'm planning on helping my parents with their business, since they're already old." He replied. 

"Okay, but remember, you're always welcome to come back." The head replied back. Han Mubo excused himself and leaned for a bit on the wall before rushing to the restroom...

... to cough out flowers. 

He had this just after the talk with Jackson, and he's questioning himself right now, actually. What happened to the " _I'd get surgery right after the symptoms appear. No hesitations."_  and " _the possibility of that happening to me is zero."_? He also doesn't know. But what he knows is that Jackson was right. That he'll hesitate. Cause he was hesitating if he'd just let himself die or maybe-- savor this moment until he dies? 

Damn. He pointed at himself in the mirror, "All your words are slapping right back at you now." He scolded himself. He glanced at the petals on the sink before he picked them up and throwing them to the bin. 

"What _no hesitations?_ Bullshits." He groaned. 

 _"_ As I thought." A voice said and the person at the door surprised him. 

"S-sir." Han Mubo stuttered. 

"Drop the formalities," The head said and took the cigarette on his pocket and lit it up before offering Han Mubo one, Han Mubo thanked him and also lit his cigarette up, yet not even a hitch of smoking, he started coughing out petals. 

 _"_ Who'd have thought the most contradicting hanahaki doctor of this hospital managed to contract it." The head scoffed. 

"Oh fuck you, Mark." Han Mubo rolled his eyes and washed his mouth. Mark laughed and puffed on his cigarette before talking. "I did say drop the formalities, I didn't told you to curse me." Han Mubo spat on his words and mouthed bullshit, Mark laughed again before turning serious. 

"Kidding aside though, I predicted that this would happen. But what I didn't predict was you loving Qin Fen too late. It took you so long to love that poor man." Han Mubo looked at Mark as if waiting for him to continue. "I was Qin Fen's doctor and he told me everything." Mark looked at Han Mubo, "You're so dumb. Oblivious. An asshole." Han Mubo scoffed at the other guy's words. "I know, no need to remind me." 

"I was only kidding. Going back to the story though, Qin Fen told me everything-- and I told him everything that happened to me, when I had hanahaki of course." 

"You had hanahaki?" 

"Yes, and you'll never guess who my love is." 

"Jackson. Duh." Han Mubo replied. "But eh? You missed each other?" He asked. Completely intrigued by Mark's story. 

"Yes, just like yours. I was the first to fall in love. We were in the same university, I was his senior and he was my junior. Long story short. I fell in love with him but he didn't notice me because he was too preoccupied on studying. Tragic yes, but not as tragic as yours." Mark said and throw away his cigarette butt. 

" Yueyue, he also experienced the same. His story is a lil bit close to yours." He said and left the restroom. 

===

Han Mubo's illness was rapidly worsening-- just 5 days after he caught the disease, he was already coughing out flowers. Qin Fen noticed his furious coughs and always asks if he's okay and Han Mubo- not wanting to worry Qin Fen- always says he's okay when he's not.

It even worsen after five months, he was already coughing out flowers with roots and thorns. He guessed he was already on the last stage.

The disease is suffocating him, he wants to be healed yet when Mark told him to get a surgery, he said no. _I'd want to stay in a state like this for little bit longer._  With an excuse of wanting to savor the feeling of being in love-- and he knows that Mark knows its just an excuse, an overused excuse. 

Now he's inside the bathroom, sitting on the bathtub, admiring the bloody flowers that he just coughed out. 

"How beautiful." He murmured as he put the flowers on the jar one by one. 

" You fooled the others into thinking that this disease is beautiful," Han Mubo said to no one in particular, 

"Indeed you are beautiful, but you are also poisonous." He added as his coughs started to act up again. 

"You make us feel beautiful, but also ugly." He choked.

"You make us feel special with the gorgeous flowers we cough out, but you also make us feel worthless." Han Mubo felt his eyes blurring with tears.

"You only exist.... to hurt us." 

" why... in the world do you even exist?" He lamented as his voice cracked and his tears dropped. He picked up the jar full of flowers and hugged it and closed his eyes as he slowly drift in his sleep. 

Beside him was another fancy jar that contained one very withered bleeding heart flower. And on it was written ' _A flower for me to keep.'_

=====  
_Han Mubo_ _just got back from the Qin Fen's VIP room._ _He picked up his white coat that was stained with Qin Fen's blood. The blood already dried up since it was just sitting there on his office for approximately 2 days. He tried to shook off the dusts but instead of dusts, a flower fell._

_It was Qin Fen's. He picked up the still perfectly fine flower and admired it. For 2 days, it was just there sitting patiently and perhaps waiting to be found- Han Mubo didn't know what possessed him but he ordered a nurse to buy a fancy and expensive jar._

_Luckily, the nurse was fast and got back in just half an hour, so he put the bleeding heart flower inside the jar and wrote ' A flower for me to keep.' In memoirs of Qin Fen's love for him. He keeps the jar tightly secured and put it somewhere, where no one can see and admired it everyday. Unbeknownst to all of them, Han Mubo was also talking and crying his heart out on the beautiful withered flower._

_=========_

Han Mubo felt his consciousness wake up, yet he can't open his eyes. Maybe it's because of him crying nonstop for hours, he tried to call out on his parents but he can't find his voice anywhere. He feels his whole body numb.

 _Isn't this too fast?_ He thought and smiled a little mockingly to himself. He expected it though. His condition worsened every month, of course his life-span would also shorten.

Han Mubo laid himself down on the bathtub and felt the jar on his side to hug it because he can't see. And those jars brings him comfort.

"Qin Fen.." he said to no one in particular in a barely audible voice,

"I now know why my patients would rather die than get a surgery."

" 'Cause being in love is too magical." He chuckled. "I can't believe i'm eating my words right now."

 _"_ I feel like a jerk tbh- well I really am. I should have just listen to you when you said 'stop' but I didn't. Forgive me for that." He mumbled, not knowing that behind him is Qin Fen.

"I remember Jackson asking me why you fell in love with me..... haha.... I'm wondering why too...., why you fell for a horrible man like me..." Han Mubo laughed. "I'm sorry for being a horrible man. Horrible... human being."  He said as he coughed up flowers again, blood flowing out his mouth and he was also crying blood.

"The pain is too unbearable.." he whined, yet his face was still hanging a smile. "Qin fen...." Qin Fen held his mouth trying not to let Han Mubo hear his sobs. "Do you regret.., loving me?" Han Mubo sobbed and not even a second after, a shattering sound echoed in the bathroom. The jar that contained the withered flower of Qin fen's shattered into pieces, just like Qin Fen's heart.

Qin Fen inched closer to Han Mubo and he almost felt his breathe stop when he saw Han Mubo's hands drop on his side as if it lost its life.

"H-han Mubo ah..." Qin Fen cried in a trembling voice and removed Han Mubo's lifeless body on the bathtub before placing him on his embrace. "Don't die on me Han Mubo. I remember you now okay! I remember everything! Now open your eyes cause this isn't.... funny.." Qin Fen said, his sobs coming in between. "This rarely happened but Jackson did everything.. he did everything to let me remember you.." 

"Don't let Jackson's hard work.. go into waste Mubo..." 

"This isn't funny." Qin Fen's heartbreaking sobs echoed in the room. And Qin Fen suddenly remembered Han Mubo's last question.

"If I told you that I don't regret loving you, would you come back to life?" Qin Fen asked, his tears dropping on Han Mubo's face.

"Cause I never once regretted loving you. Never." He added, ridiculously hoping that Han Mubo would wake up.

Yet he didn't.

And Qin Fen cried again because he knows that Han Mubo will never wake up.

Ever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changed my username to @mubosexual so hit me up on twt if you like or have any problems with the story.

**Author's Note:**

> Daffodil flowers - Uncertainty, chivalry, respect or unrequited love, return my affection; new beginnings
> 
> Bleeding heart flowers- undying love


End file.
